Resolving Conflicts the Godly Way: Lessons from the Tongue
Introduction
Conflict is an unavoidable reality of human life. However, for the child of God, the issue is not the presence of conflict itself, but rather how we choose to handle it. God legitimately expects His children to manage disputes spiritually—governed by the Holy Spirit—rather than carnally, governed by our impulses.
Many of us are quick to quote Proverbs 15:1–7, yet few of us are quick to practice it. We often prefer to settle scores our own way, but the Word of God provides a "more excellent way." In this passage, we find six divine principles for resolving conflict in a manner that glorifies God.
I. Maintain Calmness and Kindness (v. 1)
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Conflict often feels like a fire. Our words act either as water or as gasoline.
1. The Gentle Answer as a Spiritual Weapon: "Gentle" (or soft) implies a conciliatory and meek spirit. Harsh words stoke the flames of fury, but a gentle tongue can extinguish a storm before it begins.
2. Biblical Examples: * Gideon: In Judges 8:1–3, Gideon faced harsh criticism from the Ephraimites. Instead of defending his ego, his humble response calmed their anger.
◦ Nabal vs. Abigail: In 1 Samuel 25, Nabal’s harshness nearly provoked a massacre, but Abigail’s humble intervention saved an entire household from bloodshed.
Doctrinal Principle: Meekness is not weakness; it is "power under control." It is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23) that allows us to master our emotions rather than being mastered by them.
II. Speak with Wisdom and Veracity (v. 2)
“The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.”
Wisdom involves knowing not just what to say, but how and when to say it.
1. Verify Your Information: Do not engage in conflict based on rumors or second-hand information. The wise person meditates before responding (Proverbs 15:28).
2. Speak to Edify: Our goal should be to impart grace to the hearers (Eph. 4:29). A fool speaks before he thinks; a wise person thinks before he speaks.
Doctrinal Principle: Truth and grace must walk together. Like Christ, our communication should be full of both (John 1:14).
III. Remember the Supreme Judge (v. 3)
“The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.”
Conflict is never a "private" matter; there is always a third Party present.
1. God is Watching: Nothing escapes His gaze. He sees our motives, our tone, and our secret thoughts (Psalm 33:13–14).
2. The Accountable Life: We will give an account for every idle word spoken (Matthew 12:36–37). This should motivate us to act with "reverent fear." We shouldn't seek to "win" the argument, but to please the Lord.
Doctrinal Principle: The believer’s final accountability is not to their opponent, but to the Tribunal of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:10).
IV. Use Words to Heal, Not to Wound (v. 4)
“The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”
The difference between verse 1 and verse 4 is subtle but deep: Verse 1 appeases anger, but verse 4 heals the heart.
1. Healing Power: A "soothing" or "wholesome" tongue acts as a "tree of life" (Proverbs 11:30). It brings restoration to broken relationships.
2. Solution-Oriented Speech: Many people enter conflicts looking for someone to blame. The Christian should enter conflict looking for a way to restore.
Doctrinal Principle: Every believer is called to be a "minister of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:18).
V. Stay Teachable and Humble (v. 5)
“A fool spurns an ancestor’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.”
Conflict often persists because of the "pride of being right."
1. Admit Your Errors: We are not always right. Humility breaks the cycle of generational or relational conflict—whether between father and son or husband and wife.
2. The Danger of Obstinacy: To reject correction is to remain in foolishness (Proverbs 5:22–23).
Doctrinal Principle: God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). Humility is the lubricant that makes the gears of reconciliation move.
VI. Speak to Edify and Spread Understanding (v. 7)
“The lips of the wise spread knowledge, but the hearts of fools are not upright.”
Our words are merely the "fruit" of our heart's "root."
1. The Source of Speech: Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:34–35). If your heart is full of Christ, your words in conflict will reflect Him.
2. The Discipline of Silence: We must be quick to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19). In a multitude of words, sin is unavoidable (Proverbs 10:19).
Doctrinal Principle: Spiritual maturity is evidenced by the "bridle" we place on our tongue (James 3:2).
Practical Application: The Triple Filter
Before you engage in a difficult conversation or respond to a provocation, run your words through this "Triple Filter" based on Ephesians 4:29 and Colossians 4:6:
1. Is it True? (Veracity)
2. Is it Good? (Edification)
3. Is it Useful/Necessary? (Imparting Grace)
If your response fails any of these three, the most spiritual thing you can do is remain silent.
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Conclusion
God has not left us in the dark regarding our relationships. He has shown us that words have the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). When we choose a soft answer, seek the truth, remember God’s presence, and offer healing, we transform a battlefield into a garden of restoration.
